


Trolls and Carpenters and Google Docs Oh My!

by kitkatsnow



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anthropologist AU, Pre-Sburb (Homestuck), Pre-Sburb/Sgrub
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:41:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24149140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkatsnow/pseuds/kitkatsnow
Summary: What if Jade's grandfather had a few old books on anthropology, and she decided to try to study the trolls? She's created a google doc for everyone to collaborate on trying to figure out what exactly is up with these trolls.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Trolls and Carpenters and Google Docs Oh My!

**Author's Note:**

> As much as I would love to pretend otherwise, I don’t own Homestuck (even if I am home stuck *Karkat chases me off stage with a broom before I can make any more pathetic puns as finals have fried my brain*)  
> All characters and so forth in HomeStuck belong to Andrew Hussie, and the various other works referenced belong to their respective creators.
> 
> This is meant to be a Google Doc Jade started. I’m aware this does not strictly follow cannon timeline, but it’s an anthropologist AU and it would be far too much effort to do it following a stricter timeline

those trolls are really starting to bug me  
so I've decided that i'm going to be an anthropologist and study them! just like in poppop's books! :)  
I think i'm supposed to keep a record of them?  
so here goes! i think im just going to copy and paste my chat from earlier today.

arsenicCatnip [AC]  began trolling  gardenGnostic [GG] at 8:33 

AC: :33 < *bounces up to you and then pawses thoughtfully befur rubbing against your legs*  
GG: you again? why wont you all just leave me alone  
AC: :33 < *pawses to try to understand the purrpose of your response* this is the first time i'm talking to you. i was hoping we could be friends!  
GG: friends aren't mean to each other  
AC: :33 < *looks at you confused befur remembering* i always furget that humans are so different. you use trolling in a really simple way… kinda like how you have really limited understandings of romance. what's it like not having black romances? or moirails? i kmeow terezi told me you were into shipping, but it s33ms like there's so little to ship with only one quadrant even if i used to not ship black romances.  
GG: what do you mean quadrants?  
AC: :33 < *pulls out a [ chart.](https://www.homestuck.com/story/2495) on the top half you s33 the red romances and on the bottom half are black romances. on the left are the concupiscent relationships and on the right are the conciliatory relationships*   
GG: What on Earth is a black romance?  
AC: :33 < *pawses a moment to look at shows with david tennant beclaws terezi said you like him* the names of human shows are so weird. they're kinda like beatrice and benedict in this [movie](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLVKiCaVA-ouRLmb_UIla3rDGfUg6FrexS) with him and catherine tate. it's got a weird title. they make each other better through antagonism. also, i don't understand how he is a doctor. in most of these shows he isn't any sort of medical professional.  
GG: that makes no sense! I don't know why you're telling me things that make no sense!  
AC: :33 < is he a medical professional in good omens?  
AC: :33 < is a demon a kind of medical professional? anyway, crowley and aziraphale have a red romance, although it s33ms there is some debate if they're moirails or flush. i think they're unstable and alternate and n33d to find a good club and spade and fill out their quadrants and then they'll be able to figure out where they fit together.  
AC: :33 < i can’t wait until you understand quadrants better and then we can talk about shipping! :33  
i have so many ideas fur the [doctor's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IjakOl9i_g) quadrants, but it’s so difficult beclaws the characters k33p changing…   
GG: I don't know what any of that means! Of course he's not a medical professional, demons are supernatural creatures. And what's this [good omens](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFOIMDw3ZhA) you're talking about? I know there's a book, but it's not like David Tennant wrote it or anything.  
AC: :33 < oh, right, it's from a bit further down your timeline. it looks like you’re going to get sl33py soon, so i’ll go. *pawses on her way out* but we’ll talk again, okay?  


arsenicCatnip [AC]  stopped trolling  gardenGnostic [GG] at 8:43 

GC: H3Y! N3P3T4 TOLD M3 YOU JUST T4LK3D 4ND TH4T YOU S41D YOU W4NT3D TO L34RN MOR3 4BOUT US  
SO 1 D3C1D3D 1 COULD COM3 T3LL YOU 4BOUT TH3 L3G4L SYST3M S1NC3 1 PL4N ON B31NG TH3 B3ST L4WY3R TH3R3 1S  
GG what are you talking about? who is nepeta?  
GC: 1 GU3SS 1 GOT TH3 T1M3 WRONG, YOU’LL B3 T4LK1NG TO H3R SOON. 1 GU3SS SH3 PROB4BLY T3LLS YOU 4LL 4BOUT TROLL R3L4T1ONSH1PS S1NC3 SH3’S TH3 SH1PP3R OF TH3 GROUP. 1T’S K1ND4 W31RD, HON3STLY, BUT 3V3RYON3 PL4YS 4LONG W1TH H3R W31RD ROL3 PL4Y1NG 1N CH4TS B3C4US3 SH3 1S GOOD TO COM3 TO 1F YOU H4V3 QU4DR4NT PROBL3MS.  
GC: 4NYW4Y  
GC: SH3 TOLD M3 YOU TOLD H3R YOU W3R3 TRY1NG TO B3 4  C4RP3NT3R [1] 4ND SO 1 SHOULD T3LL YOU 4LL 4BOUT TH3 L3G4L SYST3M  
GG: what? what do you mean I’m trying to be a  carpenter?[2] that makes no sense! and even if it did, ive never talked to her so none of this makes any sense!  
GC: H3Y, 1M NOT JUDG1NG YOUR W31RD HUM4N C4RP3NT3R STUFF, 1M JUST DO1NG WH4T 1M TOLD TO DO.  
W3 3X1ST OUTS1D3 OF YOUR T1M3L1N3. W3’V3 4LR34DY PL4Y3D TH3 SBURB G4M3 YOUR3 GO1NG TO G3T 4ND SO W3 3X1ST OUTS1D3 OF YOUR T1M3L1N3  
H4V3 YOU 3V3R CONS1D3R3D SW1TCH1NG TO R3D T3XT? 1T T4ST3S SO GOOD  
GG That’s it! Will you stop bothering me!!!

gardenGnostic [GG] blocked  gallowsCalibrator [GC]  at 12:30 

this is the conversation that finally sparked my interest in studying them  
as you can see, they all type differently  
as such im just going to record my findings instead of actually copying everything each time probably  
maybe sometimes ill do it?  
also I've enlisted the help of my friends to make observations and therefore have created this neat document!

TG: I’m not sure why we’re doing this. I mean, it’s just like they’re begging for attention like a little kid begging for the newest lame toy at ToysRUs when they could be asking for something worth something instead of a stuffed bunny that they’ll genuinely like, they wont even have the decency to like it ironically.  


-GG think of it as the ultimate exercise in irony!! If you do a good enough job of anthropologizing them, then its totally super ironic! and then youre trolling trolls by taking them seriously, which just adds to the irony!!! :):):)

TT: Well, if we’re going to do this, we might as well do it right. Jade, I know you’ve been on a “it’s not gay, it’s queer” kick lately, so I looked up a syllabus on anthropology from a prestigious school and actually found a syllabus for a “Queer Anthropology” course. It looks like you already have some of the readings, so I’ll just send you all a bibliography. They shouldn’t be too hard to find. I’ll also add others as I come across them.  


-TT: I couldn’t find a link for one of the pdfs, it looks like it is by the professor. 

\--TG: any teacher who makes you read his own work is either a master of irony or an absolute prick[3]

EB: Trolls will form relationships with people of the same gender or the opposite gender  


-TG gay  


\--GG actually, the proper term in this case would be queer[4]because it isn’t just people of the same gender and also because queer is a more inclusive term while gay is often used in a derogatory manner [5] :)

EB: oh wait, are we supposed to paste the chat?  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling  ectoBiologist [EB]  at 3:07 

CG: WHATS UP YOU RIDICULOUS HUMAN  
CG: I WAS TOLD YOU ARE STUDYING TROLLS AND SO I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU GET IT RIGHT  
CG: I KNOW NEPETA HAS PROBABLY TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT QUADRANTS  
CG: BUT I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL  
CG: TROLLS ARE NOT INTO YOUR SILLY HUMAN IDEAS OF ROMANCE  
CG: WE DONT HAVE A WEIRD AND TOTALLY DUMB IDEA THAT YOU SHOULD ONLY BE WITH PEOPLE OF AN OPPOSITE GENDER  
THAT IS THE DUMBEST THING IVE EVER HEARD  
EB: so you’re gay?  
CG: NO  
CG: WHAT PART OF THAT DID YOU NOT READ YOU IDIOT  
CG: WE DONT CHOOSE WHO WERE GOING TO BE PALE WITH OR WHATEVER BY GENDER  
CG: WELL, MOST OF US DONT  
CG: GOD THATS SO FUCKING STUPID I CANT EVEN IMAGINE HOW BORING YOUR ROMANCES MUST BE  
CG: NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT HAVE QUADRANTS  
CG: YOU ALSO ONLY GET WITH PEOPLE OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER  
CG: LIKE HOW MISERABLE ARE YOU  
EB: so you’re sometimes gay and sometimes not?  
CG: NO  
CG: GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS YOU IDIOT  
CG: JEGUS AT LEAST FUTURE YOU IS A BIT LESS OF AN IDIOT I CANT BELIEVE YOU THOUGHT I WAS EVER EVEN CLOSE TO PITCH WITH YOU I COULD NEVER BE PITCH WITH YOU BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN ID HAVE TO RESPECT YOU EVEN A TINY BIT AND I COULD NEVER RESPECT SOMEONE SO STUPID

carcinoGeneticist [CG] stopped trolling  ectoBiologist [EB]  at 3:13 

TT: John, you know that you don’t have to paste the chat, right?

TT: It would be best if we started marking who we got our information from. I cannot imagine that all of the trolls are equally likely to be helpful, and I imagine some of them truly are just trolling us. This way, we can determine what information is corroborated by multiple sources, thus increasing the likelihood that it is authentic.  


-GG: That sounds like a great idea!!! i’ll go back and tag all of the stuff up until now  


-GG: Thanks for thinking of this :):):)

TG: some chick who at least had the sense to recognize how cool I am decided to tell me about the legal system  


TG: im not going to analyze it because I don’t think she was ironic in giving me this information  


TG: so its more ironic if i give you the information she gave to me seriously ironically to you  


TG: the comic was a work of true irony

gallowsCalibrator [GC] started trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]  at 1:13 

GC: H3Y! WH4T’S UP COOL3ST P3RSON TO 3V3R 3X1ST?  
FUTUR3 YOU TOLD K4RK4T WHO TOLD M3 TH4T YOU H4D D3C1D3D TO STUDY US 4S 4 M4TT3R OF 1RONY 4ROUND TH1S T1M3  
TG: I mean, sure. But only because only a true master of irony could troll trolls by ironically taking them seriously  
TG: It is a true testament to my mastery of irony   
TG: No one could even hope to get near this level of irony  
GC: OBV1OUSLY 4ND YOU 4R3 D3F1N1T3LY TH3 MOST 1RON1C 4ND COOL P3RSON TH3R3 1S  
GC: 1V3 S33N YOUR COM1CS 4ND TH3YR3 R34LLY GR34T  
1N TH3 FUTUR3 W3 3V3N M4K3 COM1CS 4ND SH4R3 TH3M W1TH 34CH OTH3R  
GC: 1 M4D3 ON3 1N HONOR OF TH1S OCC4S1ON TG: thats totally cool in a super ironic way  
TG: so  
TG: jade made a guide of all of the things were supposed to ask you  
TG: but according to rose its better to just let you all talk about what interests you  
TG: And since rose is the one who read an entire library on this thing  
TG: i figure taking this seriously will mean that i just let you talk  
TG: although im not sure if its an issue that weve talked because that might somehow mess up the results  
TG: But it should be fine because future me knows what hes doing because hes me  
TG: And as the master of irony i know exactly how to do this perfectly ironically  
GC: Y34H! TH4TS TH3 SP1R1T! 1 W4NT TO B3 4 L4G1SL4C3R4TOR - 1 GU3SS YOU HUM4NS C4LL TH3M “L4WY3RS” WH1CH 1S DUMB 4ND NOT 4S COOL - WH3N 1 GROW UP. TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT P4RT 1S F1ND1NG 4 P3RSON TO BL4M3, THOUGH 1TS B3ST 1F YOU F1ND TH3 R1GHT P3RSON. TH3 JUDG3S 4R3 4LL POW3RFUL 4ND SC4RY 4ND H4V3 BL4CK BLOOD 4ND L1V3 B4S1C4LLY FOR3V3R  
GC: 1 GOTT4 GO B3C4US3 K4RK4T 1S FR34K1NG OUT  
GC: BUT 1LL CONT4CT YOU 4G41N ONC3 YOU’R3 1N G4M3!

gallowsCalibrator [GC] stopped trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]  at 1:37 

GG: indiana jones isnt an anthropologist  


TG: thats part of the irony

EB: as weird as that conversation was, i think i have one even weirder

twinArmageddons [TA] started trolling  ectoBiologist [EB]  at 3:07 

tA: okay, 2o, lii2ten up.  
tA: ii wa2 told two contact you 2o karkat doe2n’t have a temper tantrum becau2e you’re 2tudyiing u2.  
our technology ii2 better than your2 iin every way and ii don’t want two talk two human2 ever agaiin becau2e you ruiined everythiing.

twinArmageddons [TA] stopped trolling  ectoBiologist [EB]  at 3:08 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 Jade mentioned an early [anthropologist](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmund_Snow_Carpenter) in a later conversation, and Nepeta got a bit confused. [return to text]  
> 2 Jade is, unfortunately, significantly influenced by this anthropologist because her grandfather only has very old anthropology books. Rose would not be thrilled if she knew this, especially after she read numerous critiques of it and several theoretical articles attempting to determine the appropriate line between cultural relativity and the search for universal truth across cultures.[return to text]  
> 3 He was not, in fact, a prick. Nor a master of irony by any means. He was simply a really good professor, who would almost certainly have jumped at the opportunity to do an ethnography of “queer” trolls, even if Rose had pretended she was writing a fanfic for a final in a class.[return to text]  
> 4 Actually, if Jade had read any of queer anthropology theory Rose had sent, she would realize that this is a common failing in older anthropology. She is failing to account for cultural relativism and instead relying on a sense of univerals, and not clearly defining “queer.” She is applying the definition of queer based on identity politics perfomed by humans to trolls in a way that implies it is the same as “queer” used in queer theory. If anything, a troll only being attracted to one gender would be “queer” as it is not the normative experience in that culture.[return to text]  
> 5 Jade is right about “gay” often being used in a derogatory manner, especially in this universe. If you have a problem with recognizing that “gay” is just as much a slur as queer, and that they’ve both been reclaimed (though there are still people who are uncomfortable being referred to by one or the other or both due to personal experiences and this should be something that each section of the community works out how to handle so as to not be assholes), die mad. Don’t like don’t read and all that good stuff. I’m old fandom, even if I’m new to actually posting, and I won’t put up with any flames, especially not if they support TERF rhetoric. [return to text]


End file.
